This One Fan Theory Will Blow Your Mind About Star Wars

It's just a movie. Calm down!

3 Easy steps to tell if your baby is getting too big to carry

Three easy tell signs to use to determine if your child is getting too big to carry.

Can your child do this...

This

Or this

Then your child is too big to carry.

The Book of America (The one book of the Bible we keep quoting)

The Book of America

A Gospel of someone who is free!

Chapter 1

1 Remember brethren that the soil ye standeth on is sacred. Behold, thy LORD hath made The Americas his temple. People from all nations will go to his Holy Mountain of Rushmore and give praise to his prophets, Washington, Lincoln and Jefferson.

Remember these commands.

 Thou shalt not take away thy guns

Keep thy borders secure. No outsider shall enter your town and beg for necessities. If alien or foreigner is accommodated they may take American jobs.

Thou shalt not steal unless thou believeth that thou deserveth it (or it's a digital download because those aren't real)

Remembereth that I have put my sacred lambs on the right of politics and my rams on the left of politics

Use thy voice and thy keyboard to shout the misfortunes of the land. I will hear the loudest and answer you on the day of wrath

Watch over my laws and maketh sure that everyone follows them. I will not be poorly represented in American law.

Do not take my unbearable laws too seriously. That was a different time and thou should skippeth over that.

Enjoy the money of your youth. Let is spill out in the streets like a fountain.

A Free Thinker's Psalm of Jesus

Oh good teacher, oh wonderfully viable person of history

your ways were polite and nice, you did good things

You healed people within my understanding of science

You hung out with men

therefore I will draw the wildest conclusion

Tolerant of Tolerance

Cast away my enemies who quote Leviticus

Destroy my captors who read from Romans

Cast shame on those who read from Matthew

For they do not know you as I do

You who considerately healed others

You who spoke only about the poor

You who said, "haters gonna hate"

You who probably said that our bodies belong to us

but I cannot find it so I will just assume

I will give you my Like on Facebook

Betray those who make me feel bad

Destroy those who make me question

For you are worthy of following

when your ways are within the context of culture

Theology of Tactical Retreats

It has been assumed that the Bible despises cowardice and the truly pious saint fights evil head on. After all, David did not run from Goliath, nor did Israel from Jericho. But, amid the few brave soldiers of God's kingdom, there is a place for those who do tactical retreats. Not only is it a common theme for saints, but a great part of spiritual development.

1. Moses Runs From Pharaoh

Exodus 2:15 When Pharaoh heard of this, he tried to kill Moses, but Moses fled from Pharaoh and went to live in Midian, where he sat down by a well. 

Tactical retreats can be prompted by righteous and unrighteous acts. Earlier we see Moses trying to "help" God's justice plan. He finds an Egyptian slave driver abusing an Israelite and he knocks him off Dexter style. He literally buries the body in the desert like a chemistry teacher turned meth dealer. Believing no one saw him, Moses spends the rest of his dramatic season acting like nothing happened. Only Pharaoh finds out and sends his best people to make sure that the Moses problem goes away quietly.

Moses runs to Midian. He starts a small life in the witness protection program and even gets married. No intelligent person would accept Moses hit and run as a righteous act. We don't see God up in Heaven yelling, "take that dude down!" But in Moses' mistake we see healing in his escape. God is able to settle him down, teach him a farming trade, give him a sweetie and let him catch his breath. God's ability to let Moses regroup sets him up for the next stage in life, the call to serve on the Israelite Civil Rights committee. 

2. David Hides from Saul

1 Samuel 19:2 and warned him, “My father Saul is looking for a chance to kill you. Be on your guard tomorrow morning; go into hiding and stay there. 

The brave and mighty David, who puts Russell Crowe and Liam Neeson to shame, is seen hiding in a field from a king with serious insecurity issues. He was fresh off his victory kill of Goliath and had won a few skirmishes against the Philistines, but he could not face his best friend's dad.

In this instance, David did nothing wrong in the eyes of the Lord. His only crime was being chosen to look awesome, which hurt Saul's popularity. There might even be speculation that people made up Chuck Norris facts about David. 

He hides in the fields, bides his time, and waits to find out if Saul is trying to murder the ever loving junk out of him. When Jonathan, his wing man, reports that Saul wants to take down David, thus begins David's new life. He goes rogue, making a small army, surviving in the wilderness and becoming the king he needs to be.

3. Elijah Flees Jezebel

1 Kings 19:3 3 Elijah was afraid[a] and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left 

This run theme is peculiar in this scenario. We just saw Elijah do one of the most macho things in Bible history. This ranks somewhere between killing Goliath and choke slamming Satan through a table (See Message Bible). He challenges the pagan priests to a divine BBQ, goading them on for their puny gods to set a cow on fire. Then out of the blue sky, Yahweh yells "Shazam" and sends the cow to a burning crisp. He is victorious and God shows his strength. Then he says one of my favorite Old Testament commands to the Pagan priests, "If you are still here by the time I count to three you will be one head shorter." 

What does he do next? The Secretary of Defense and national diva, Jezebel, sends a hit on him, so Elijah runs into the wilderness, crying. He trucks it to a shady tree, falls asleep and wakes up to God serving him cake. The cake is not a lie. Not only is the God of the universe okay with Elijah turning tail, but is out there ready to serve him.

4. Jesus Escapes His Fate

John 12: 28 All the people in the synagogue were furious when they heard this. 29 They got up, drove him out of the town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him off the cliff. 30 But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way.

I am almost 100% confident that Jesus has teleportation powers while on Earth. How else can you explain this story? Jesus just finished telling the people of Nazareth that they were unworthy of good miracles because they didn't have faith. The people, in return, do the only thing a civilized mob can think of. They took Jesus up to a large hill and prepared to throw him down. But Jesus just walks away. I imagine it was something like a Monty Python sketch.

Jesus: Wait, wait, hold on! You cannot throw me off that cliff.
Mob: We can't?
Jesus: No, that would be silly. It's a Tuesday. Gravity doesn't work on Tuesdays.
Mob: We never considered that. What about tomorrow? Does gravity work tomorrow?
Jesus: Of course! We will return here tomorrow and then you can throw me off this cliff.
Mob: You heard the man, we will throw him off tomorrow. 

The other options are camouflage powers, size decrease or Jedi powers. The point is that God was not ready for Jesus to punch his ticket. If he was, we would be wearing necklaces with cliff edges on them. God got Jesus out of a jam and he left with confidence. This is the equivalent of running up to a Kl Klux Klan picnic, yelling "equality rules" and calmly walking away as the Klan members scurry to their motorcycles and rusty pipes.

5. Paul is Hunted by Everyone

Acts 9:23 After many days had gone by, there was a conspiracy among the Jews to kill him, 24 but Saul learned of their plan. Day and night they kept close watch on the city gates in order to kill him. 25 But his followers took him by night and lowered him in a basket through an opening in the wall.

Running away goes full circle as we see Paul take on the role of Moses. He once was a killer, trying to enact his own justice, but got knocked off his high horse by Jesus. His mission became to highly endorse Christ all over the world.

The funny thing is that Paul cannot catch a break as everyone he preaches to wants to kill him for sharing Jesus. His new friends become the Christians and he spends several years training with them. Sadly, the manhunt ends when Rome captures Paul and puts him under house arrest. He truly needed to watch The Fugitive and study it more.

What can we learn from running away in the Bible

The heroes of scripture are the ones that had to run away from the heat of the moment. Sometimes they ran for unrighteous acts, sometimes they were being blamed for just being plain awesome. But a few key lessons pop up when we see tactical retreats.

1. God can refine your mistakes and still make you into a hero. Moses let his years in witness protection change him. God waited for him to get ripe and old before he was put back on the missions field. Sometimes we need to escape the heat of the battlefield to wait on God's next big adventure. Even if you failed, God can use your timeouts to change you.

2. Sometimes God uses danger to show His faithfulness. Not every conflict is like a David and Goliath flawless victory. When trouble comes, God uses the faithful community to help overcome a problem. In those times they can console you and bring safety to your troubled mind. It would be easy for Paul and David to get super powers on high and shame their enemies, but God uses the power of shelter and regrouping to save his saints.

3. God's truth can lead to being hated. Look at Jesus! All he did was tell the truth and people wanted to throw him off a cliff. The truth can be dangerous and lies can be safe, but God only honors one. In our time, telling someone NO when they desperately want to hear YES is condemning. Jesus and Paul were lead to their death. God has proven that he can protect you (teleportation, Jedi powers...ie), but sometimes the best thing the truth gives us is a ticket into the next life. Where do you think the truth will lead you?

4. We all need escape time. David became king when he went rogue, Moses became a leader and Paul got closer to the Christian community. Everyone faces their time of escape. It's that time in your life where you have to stop banging your head against the brick wall in front of you and try a new approach. It might seem slow and pointless, but I guarantee God has a plan for it.

Scientist Uses Never Ending Facebook Comments Argument As Renewable Energy Source

BUFFALO- Tim Kyles, a graduate in Energy Science, discovered that the recycling of energy between arguing comments in Facebook is a renewable energy source.

"When one person shares a hot topic and another person disagrees, the endless friction of getting in the last word creates an energy continuum." He explains.

Tim Kyles and his team discovered this energy when a topic about The Constitution and Gay Rights powered a microwave for three hours.

"They just kept going," Tim retorts, "Not one of them was going to let up. We thought we could use that for energy."

Mostly Tim searches Facebook for energy patches. Most of his finds are near Christian theology pages or Right Wing news stories.

"If I find a post on creationism and evolution," Tim informs, "I know my house will be powered for at least three days."

While most would think that the never ending battle between two people who don't listen is meaningless, Tim believes he can harness this stubborn energy to power third world countries.

"The important thing is to keep arguing and pressing your point. That is what keeps the energy flowing. This is the one time that listening skills and empathy is bad for our environment."

The Most Offensive American Symbol...Way Worse Than The Confederate Flag

This American symbol is way worse than the Confederate Flag

It is the reason behind slavery...even modern slavery

It is the reason civil rights get postponed

It is the reason people get silenced and others get heard

All races use this symbol to justify their cause

It has cost people their lives

It is the only thing we fight for

It's the ultimate catalyst for injustice

If people weren't so eager to rally around this symbol we wouldn't have half the crimes against humanity

Ready...

Are you ready to burn this token of oppression?

Inappropriate Logos (Graphic Designer's Nightmare)

President Obama Makes 7000th Mistake in Presidency

According to the RWWD (Right Wing Watch Dogs), a group solely responsible for watching what the other side is doing, President Obama committed his 7000th mistake in his seven years as President.  Mistake 7000th happened on March 20th at 6pm in the Oval Office when the President mistakenly dropped his spoon into his crab bisque.  An expletive left the President's lips in response to the drop as he picked up a napkin to wipe it off.  Immediately First Lady, Michele, inquired as to why the sudden expletive.

The RWWD has kept a close watchful eye on the Obama presidency and has declared this to be mistake 7000 among the numerous errors the President has made.  Other mistakes include.

321. Health Care Reform
4002. Forgetting to tie shoes before meeting
36. Benghazi Incident
678. Harassing Christians
872. Spying on American citizens
6331. Drinking the last of the milk without asking if anyone wanted it

Andrew Peskar, lead data analyst of RWWD commented on this astronomical number, "This proves exactly what we were saying the whole time.  President Obama is not fit to be president.  We finally have the proof in writing."

When asked if Andrew had the data for mistakes made by President Bush, Andrew considered, "It wouldn't have been appropriate with the war going on and the problems with Hurricane Katrina.  That would have been a disrespectful move on our part."

Man Has Opinion on Current Events and Shares it on Facebook

Roger Murphy, of Boise Idaho, was watching the latest news cast from CNN when suddenly it occurred to him that he had amazing insight on what was happening. He immediately ran to his computer and started logging into Facebook.

"It's rare," he comments, "but I think I have answers that could really change how every event in the news today is viewed."

Though Roger was compelled to write his latest thoughts on ISIS, Michael Brown and sexual orientation equality he did not want to sound out of context.

"At first I thought I was unqualified," Roger relents, "being a white, straight, middle class American with an evangelical background and a degree in Archaeology."

That did not get in the way of Roger's pursuit of editorializing the current events. He began to make bold claims concerning what he thought about government, religion and the current state of health care.

"I just had answers," Roger proclaimed, "I knew if people paid attention to what I was writing and put it into action then things would start to look different.  I friended President Obama just in case he needed some inspiration on the issues."

News traveled quickly that Roger had strong opinions on today's current events.  Soon friends were hitting LIKE on all his posts.  Even some friends were bold enough to share.

"It's a revolution," Peter Corkins, one of Roger's close friends explains, "Roger really hits it on the head what this world needs. Never have I seen such a clear picture."

About one hour into Roger's posts he started getting personal messages from Iraqi Ambassadors, African Relief Correspondents and Michael Brown's lawyer.  They were astounded at how bold his claims were and how they shook the very foundations of the establishment.  Myagar Hasab, leading activist for ISIS came back with this positive response.

"You're absolutely right, Roger.  Maybe ISIS should stop what they are doing and focus on peace.  We didn't take that into consideration, but I think it might be our only shot at getting our goals met."

Roger has since received grant money to start up a foundation that consults with nations over their current problems. He started a campaign on Kickstarter that will successfully end all nutrition and border issues in Africa.

"Just think," Roger recalls, "I was just your average white guy with his computer.  Who knew that I had such good answers?  I didn't even have to put on pants."