A Guide to Political Arguing

Liberals Arguing With Conservatives

1. Order your very own "I Participated and I am a Winner Trophy" before the argument starts.

2. Confront the Conservative in a quiet safe space. Make sure to give them 48.63 inches of room.

3. Use phrases like, "if only you would conform to the global group mind," and "everyone else is doing it!"

4. Take a moment to excuse yourself and cry. Most likely the Conservative threatened to throw your family in a pyre of burning banned books.

5. If you feel your emotional energy depleting make sure you have an emergency circle of people to stand around you holding hands. Their positive energy and feelings acts as a cell tower of hope.

6. Once again, leave some time to excuse yourself for some good sobbing. Most likely the Conservative threatened to eat your baby.

7. Most Conservatives need help focusing on the problems. All arguments should be reduced to hashtags.

8. After the argument make sure to curtsy respectfully and reply, "May the global think mind be merciful on your non complying thought."


Conservatives Arguing With Liberals

1. Always check the argument space before. Liberals love to hide gun stealing lobbyists in the bushes.

2. Instead of saying phrases like, "Eternal Slavery of All Non-Rich," try saying terms like "Creative Relocation and Purpose Training for Middle Class."

3. Sometimes Liberals will trick you into signing a sheet of paper that forces your family to have free health care. Don't fall for it. That is not an application for Guns and Freedom Magazine

4. Swear words and threats make your arguments sound more informed and backed up

5. Wrapping yourself in any Southern Flag reduces blaming by 30%

6. In most cases the Liberal will try to delete your words from the server of their mind. Don't let them. Keep uploading that stuff.

7. The Liberal will unfairly point to the superfluous wads of cash that are falling from your pockets constantly. You need to kindly tell them that money was honestly received from Operation Remove All The Endangered Species.

8. If the argument gets dicey, take out a Lysol bottle and start spraying CFC's. Then tell the arguer that for every word they say one layer of ozone will deteriorate . That shuts them up quick.

The Most Boring Shirt in the World (and how I feel about it)

I found this shirt at Walmart. Now I know Walmart isn't synonymous with the phrases quality, driven to greatness and perfectionism, but this shirt takes it to a new level. The level of NO CARES GIVEN on this shirt is so high that I wonder why it was even made. Take a deep and long look at this shirt. This is what giving up on life looks like.

First of all, we need to look at the perfectly good franchise that the artist is portraying. Not only did the no-cares-given artist pick a children's franchise to portray, but he picked one of the most colorful and most interesting serials. The Ninja Turtles is all about talking, humanoid, ninja amphibians who fight Samurais and talk to rats. When the artist was given the task to encapsulate the glory of Ninja Turtles, his first instinct was to write their names and call it a day.

Not only did he write their names on four lines, but to add to the #NoFluffsGiven attitude he didn't even bother to make it grammatically correct. It's almost as if he transcribed the description of the shirt into a literal design.

Boss: Ted, what are you going to put on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle's shirt?

Ted: Leonardo and Raphael and Donatello and Michelangelo

Boss: Sounds colorful!

Let's not forget that the wording on this t-shirt is not even formatted in a way that is pleasing to the eye. It's kind of justified left and written in a sanserif font found on most word processing devices. Now add to the fact the artist was not going to waste any precious time on writing the word "and" out. When the prettiest picture on your shirt is the & symbol, then you know you haven't arrived.

How did this shirt get past any human being with a shred of imagination in their soul. Is there a market of bourgeois literalists who are demanding the most minimalist shirt in the universe? How did this pass an inspector who has any understanding of kids?

Inspector: I don't have time to look at the shirt. Just tell me what is on it?

Ted: Leonardo and Raphael and Donatello and Michelangelo

Inspector: Beautiful! Put it in print.

I can't be totally harsh on this design. I imagine the boss found out about the design about halfway through the production.

Boss: We need to spruce up this monstrosity. It is so boring.

Ted: Why don't we put white rings around the shoulders?

Boss: You saved us again, Ted!

There is so much happening with this shirt that it concerns me to the deepest core. Questions in my mind are rising up like, is there a market for kids who lack all imagination and love in their hearts? Did this shirt sell and if it did is there a way I can write the Avengers names on a black t-shirt? Is this social commentary for the effects of Ritalin on young minds? Why Ninja Turtles? Why not write out the ingredients for beef stew?

I also imagine the marketing team expecting this reaction when some child receives this t-shirt

Mom: Happy Birthday, Son!

Son: Oh my goodness! I love these four names! I love how they are in a neat and organized row! The & symbol adds so much. Now I am going to go to my room and memorize the Dewey Decimal system!

Well I have added myself to this market. Here is my contribution

Trump Requires All Camels to Fit Through Needles

Our committed and loyal evangelical presidential hopeful has finally found a way around that pesky warning Jesus gave about being rich.

On March 12th, in Tulsa, Oklahoma he said he will require all camels in the United States to fit through the eyes of needles. His hope is that Jesus will lighten up on the impossibility of greedy people going to Heaven, once he sees how easy it is.

The concern erupted one week ago when Trump stumbled upon a verse about how hard it is to get a rich man into Heaven.

"For the first 12 minutes I considered giving my money away and encouraging generosity to the poor, but luckily I found a loop hole...or a needle hole."

Since it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for Trump to buy his way into being Christian, he is requiring all camels to be forced through needle holes in order to simplify the process.

The Zoo Safety Society has sent multiple emails urging the would-be president to reconsider putting camels in harms way.

Trump simply replied, "camels are used in the Middle East. They are terrorists."

This one thing you missed from Civil War will blow your mind!

Someone photoshopped a red arrow and a circle.

This One Fan Theory Will Blow Your Mind About Star Wars

It's just a movie. Calm down!

3 Easy steps to tell if your baby is getting too big to carry

Three easy tell signs to use to determine if your child is getting too big to carry.

Can your child do this...

This

Or this

Then your child is too big to carry.

The Book of America (The one book of the Bible we keep quoting)

The Book of America

A Gospel of someone who is free!

Chapter 1

1 Remember brethren that the soil ye standeth on is sacred. Behold, thy LORD hath made The Americas his temple. People from all nations will go to his Holy Mountain of Rushmore and give praise to his prophets, Washington, Lincoln and Jefferson.

Remember these commands.

 Thou shalt not take away thy guns

Keep thy borders secure. No outsider shall enter your town and beg for necessities. If alien or foreigner is accommodated they may take American jobs.

Thou shalt not steal unless thou believeth that thou deserveth it (or it's a digital download because those aren't real)

Remembereth that I have put my sacred lambs on the right of politics and my rams on the left of politics

Use thy voice and thy keyboard to shout the misfortunes of the land. I will hear the loudest and answer you on the day of wrath

Watch over my laws and maketh sure that everyone follows them. I will not be poorly represented in American law.

Do not take my unbearable laws too seriously. That was a different time and thou should skippeth over that.

Enjoy the money of your youth. Let is spill out in the streets like a fountain.

A Free Thinker's Psalm of Jesus

Oh good teacher, oh wonderfully viable person of history

your ways were polite and nice, you did good things

You healed people within my understanding of science

You hung out with men

therefore I will draw the wildest conclusion

Tolerant of Tolerance

Cast away my enemies who quote Leviticus

Destroy my captors who read from Romans

Cast shame on those who read from Matthew

For they do not know you as I do

You who considerately healed others

You who spoke only about the poor

You who said, "haters gonna hate"

You who probably said that our bodies belong to us

but I cannot find it so I will just assume

I will give you my Like on Facebook

Betray those who make me feel bad

Destroy those who make me question

For you are worthy of following

when your ways are within the context of culture