Quiz: Facebook Post or Cognitive and Social Disability. I was shocked by # 4. This will blow you away! I Cannot stop writing...help

Can you tell the difference between a Facebook trend and a Developmental Disability Symptom? I have worked as a Community Integration Assistant for people with cognitive disabilities and strangely I find Facebook to have most or all of their symptoms.  If Facebook was a consumer in a group home the caretaker would have his work cut out for him.

Facebook Trend Vs.   DD Symptom

1. The consumer will exhibit behaviors of inappropriate or outlandish actions to garner attention seeking behavior.  This is an attempt to get noticed and responded to by peers.

2.  The consumer will obsess repeatedly over a thought or an idea with the inability to stop perseverating.

3.  The consumer will be completely distracted by weird or peculiar details that should not be significant to society.

4.  Under great stress the consumer will protest with irrational claims and defenses that have no backing

5. In some cases the consumer will show signs of anti-social behavior to distance themselves from others

6. The consumer will sometimes have bipolar disorder that is extreme in both cases.

7.  The consumer will have an inability to share thoughts and ideas.   With poor motor controls they will not be able to be short and concise.

8.  And then there is confusion over what is real or fiction.

The New Christian Sport: Bashing the Church

When a guest on the Colbert Report or John Stewart show rips into Christianity and how dumb we are I groan a little.  Usually I can get over it because I know that some of that is bitterness and miscommunication.  

But when Christians found out that the only way to be smart and get people to read their blog is to type articles that start with, "4 problems in the church," "18 lies the church told me," "5 ways church goers get the Bible wrong."  I really think we are living up to this quote.

"The Church is the only Institution that shoots its wounded."

Now, in no way do I think the church is a rosy club that can do no wrong.  Not at all,  I think we need a good fire under our butts.  In fact, the church is one of the best atmospheres to foster that fire.

With that said, I am going to show my rage for this new kind of popularity contest among Christian thinkers that shows the only way to earn respect or prove intelligence is to blast this way of life.  It gets a few extra hits on the website and you get the coveted, "you are pretty smart for being a Christian" from Johnny Atheist, but it is also a running dropkick to the privates of an institution that God has put every investment into.

That guy has his arms crossed during worship.  He must be the smartest one.

First lets start off with the positive.  Jesus told Peter that he was going to build his church on him.  Not literally on him, but in that metaphorical way that smart people talk about.  Since that confession, the church has been the number one headquarters for all of God's plans and heists.  When Jesus returned from his death on the Cross he was sighted by primarily believers (Acts 1:3).  The Great Commission is based on the followers of the church spreading their word.

"You people suck.  I am going to recruit pagans." Said no Jesus ever.

But you might be protesting this saying, "that is spiritual stuff.  The church doesn't care about important stuff like sex, dating and what to wear on a Friday night."  Wrong again, proverbial critic!  The church was also supposed to find marriages for the young Christians in their assembly and foster healthy relationships."  The Early Church was the center for leisure, marriage, education and family life.

I get it, times have changed and the church is getting old.  We should constantly expose the old information of the church and weed out the bad advice.  Yes and no.  Yes we should always be good judges of what scripture says and teach others, but no, we should not be an a-hole about it.

My next article is called, "Christians Smell Like Poop!"

Whenever we flash these loud and ambiguous blogs about how the church lifestyle is ineffective, wrong and completely out of whack it really makes me question if you understand the role we have in eternity.  We are the final beta testers for God's perfection over the Earth (Rev 21:1), we are the only ones invited into the house of God and also we are the only reason God has not blown up the Earth (Matt 24:14).  When God takes us from unbeliever to believer he even categorizes us from "fool" to "wise" (1 Cor 2:6).  I don't want Christians to look more saintly than we are, but I want the naysayers to realize that we are God's first and only plan for bringing out his goal.

Thank goodness for humility

We are also missing the point of God's domination plan when we talk about how old and outdated the idea of church is.  The plan has always been for the Gospel to restore the people of the world, bring them closer to the one who made them and create a community of believers (Rev 21:2).  There's a schism created when we make articles that separate "real believers in Jesus," with "the church."

The church needs to be its own critic.  We need to continue realizing that not everything we say is perfect, godly and sensical.  That should not make a Christian blogger write this huge expose' on how the church just doesn't get it and it needs to change or die.  We are a dynamic group, constantly wrestling with the truth, adapting to revelation and constantly growing into our salvation (with fear and trembling).  When we fall we have the unlimited foundation of grace and redemption to climb back up.  No other institution has that kind of a promise.

Only the church!

 

If the Bible Was Written By Clickbait Writers

No one reads the Bible anymore and I think I know why.  The internet is way more fascinating with its headlines.  Every headline is trying to teach you that 1 trick to lose weight, get rich or learn celebrity gossip.  Finally someone took the Bible and updated it to our grubby internet ad standards.

 

Probable Upworthy Headlines We Will See in the Future

Upworthy  GroanWorthy

11. A Young boy gets extra mashed potatoes on his dinner plate only using one word.

10. This girl disproves every stereotype of knee cancer in America for the last 300 years

9. All white men suck and this 50 year old Belgian stockbroker discovered this while spelunking

8. This one fashion tip made this former Klu Klux Klan member quit his job and take up ballet

7. U2 sings a song that probably has a lot to do with problems in Africa

6. Sexist teacher fails college female based on her gender (and she failed every test)

5. This one African American newborn communicates a message of equality and brotherhood to the Georgia police force using only spittle and drool

4. One fact about this man keeps the American public constantly calling him a serial killer...he also killed some people.

3. She found a way to never be harassed by men.  It's hilarious and completely proves our double standard.

2. Russia just won a gold medal...in Hell...for being evil...and dark....with fire...and terror (are we being too subtle?)

1. Little girls story about unicorns in grade school may be the answer to America's trillion dollar debt.

If Adam and Eve had Modern Christian Relationship Problems

One day Adam was walking through the glorious paradise known as Eden, when suddenly he spotted Eve looking sad.  He went over to investigate.

Adam: Eve, you look sad, what is wrong?
Eve: Sit down Adam, I think I have a revelation.
Adam:  Sure, Eve, what can I help you with, love of my life.
Eve: That's just it.  We need to talk about our relationship.
Adam:  Ooookay.
Eve:  I don't think God wants us to be together.
Adam: What?  How can you say that?
Eve:  I think God is telling me that we shouldn't go out.
Adam:  Why don't we ask him?  He is literally ten feet away.
Eve:  He didn't literally tell me, but I think he is giving me a feeling.  It's a feeling that he doesn't want us together.
Adam:  No, seriously Eve, we should just go ask him.
Eve:  That might just confuse me more.  I just don't think I am ready for a relationship.
Adam:  I really like you Eve.  You know I would never hurt you.
Eve:  Really, even after I caught you staring at that fruit tree?
Adam:  All men have problems with that Eve!  I told you that in confidence!
Eve:  And that is why we might not be good for each other.  We are spiritually immature to be in a relationship.
Adam:  Good for each other?  God made you from my rib. You came to this Earth because I was lonely.
Eve:  There you go again making the conversation all about you!  Remember what God said at our small group...don't be selfish.
Adam:  Hey, I'm just quoting God here.  What is better than hooking up with the only dude on this Earth?
Eve:   But what if I want to get a job and be a career woman?
Adam:  What are you going to work on?  Everything is practically given to us.
Eve:  You are very sweet, Adam, but I really think I need to follow my heart.
Adam:  But we were meant for each other...
Eve:  You will always be a brother in Christ to me...
Adam:  I don't know who that is.  Look, God spoke to me and he said we were meant to be together.
Eve:  How do you know?
Adam:  Well, you came naked, which I take as a sign.  If God did not want me to notice you you would have come with clothing.
Eve:  Maybe I am looking for someone more mature in God.  Two becoming one sounds like a huge commitment.  We will need to leave the garden and start a new house.
Adam:  Woah...now you are going a little fast.  Maybe we should take a break.
Eve:  We will both pray about it.
Adam:  So you are just going to give up on the whole finding a partner?
Eve:  You're a great guy, Adam.  I have no doubt you will find someone.

What if the Hobbit book was written like the movies?

Chapter 1

Bilbo Gets Dwarfed

Suddenly the door knocks.  Bilbo's steady hand reaches for the knob.  Too late, it opens unexpectedly.  Long, dark and handsome locks streamed down his face.  He was not like the other dwarfs.  His mystery laden looks would sent butterflies to even the most stubborn of maidens.

Bilbo stared at him with a gap in his mouth.

....
Gandalf turns around with a look of foreboding danger on his face, "We need someone special for this mission.  Someone who can sneak around and steal stuff."

Bilbo felt a knot in his stomach as it seemed that all eyes were on him.

Suddenly, Gandalf jumped on the table and pointed his long bony finger at the Hobbit.  In an exhilarating voice he announced, "we need a burglar!"

Chapter 5

Legolas Pwns All

Suddenly Legolas ducked the oncoming blade.  Spinning in a perfect 360 he dodged the left arm of the oncoming goblin's blade.  His right arm jabbed deep into the temple of the goblin and the blade sunk in deep.  A blade was jutting forth from a wide angle, Legolas quickly performed a back flip, spun around, kicked the goblin in the stomach and started riding him like a surf board

Another goblin was close behind, but Legolas did not seem him.  He was about to get stabbed with a huge scimitar.
Zip!

The goblin falls down to the ground, covered in spouts of blood.  Tauriel is behind him with bow extended.
A cunning grin escaped Legolas' perfect white teeth.

"Miss me!"  Tauriel retorted.
"Only if you were aiming for me,"  Legolas shot back.

...
As the river raged on constantly, the team of dwarfs and one Hobbit continued to toss axes to one another.  But none of them were prepared for the next danger of their journey.  There was a tree branch that had five goblins on it.  They had only killed four.  Oakenshield spotted the weakness of the tree branch.
"We need to cut it down."

Too late, one of the dwarfs got hit by a rogue wave and was sent barreling onto dry land.  His barrel became a battering ram.  SMASH, SMASH, SMASH.  Goblins were falling like dominoes!  He was an unstoppable force.  When he finally crashed, his arms shot out of the barrel, forming into a swift armor.  He began to do some vicious spin attacks that killed lots of goblins.

Chapter 8

Guess Who is Back!

The large dark shadow exploded again.  The power of Gandalf's light began to decrease.  He was losing power fast.  Suddenly, a large bot of energy escaped Gandalf and his light shield exploded.

But it did not work.  The darkness burst open again and Gandalf blasted back onto a wall.  He felt the dark energy course over him.  Bursts of flame poured all round his face.  With fearful eyes he saw the flames begin to take shape.  They created a dark paladin with menacing armor.  Gandalf turned white as a ghost.  His eyes were like cold marbles.

"It can't be!"  He shouted.
"I'm baaaaaaaack!" the evil voice said.

Sauron had returned!

Chapter 10

Tauriel could not make a decision.  Before her was the king's son, the lovely and captivating Legolas.  He was a master monster killer and he could protect her.  But she did not feel love in her heart for him.  In fact, she felt cold.  Her heart belonged to Kili.  She pushed Legolas out of the way, "I could never love you."

Kili smiled weakly, "Back at you babe."

Peter Jackson:  The first director to get paid hourly.

Christmas Should Be Moved (The Compelling Reasons Why)

Christmas has always been a topic of contention.  You have the atheists trying to enforce work on the holiday, Christians are gunning down any pant suited women trying to say "holidays" and the pagans are trying to throw festive goat innards in peace for their Norwegian goddess Jumblebuk.

The holidays are a crazy time and I propose a compromise.  Perhaps the Christians should reconsider where and when we celebrate the birth of the world's most awesome stable born hero.  It's not like Jesus demanded snow and sugar plumbs on his birthday.  If anything, Kwanzaa was there first (based on the merit that I have no idea what Kwanzaa is and you probably don't either).  Christians need a good Summer holiday because we have Easter in the spring, the three wise men in the winter and we hide under our beds during Halloween.

One of these creatures wants to eat you.  The other, poop in your shoe.

Take this journey with me while I share why Jesus should not be surrounded with crappy snow, the word solstice and fortune 500 companies trying to pass off coupons to Yankee Candle as the Christmas bonus.



 It's Not Like The Winter Holiday Makes Sense

When Jesus was born it was the shepherding season, which some say was more closer to Summer.  That means Jesus was born in Bethlehem in 99 degree weather as opposed to the wintry difference of 98 degree weather.

As Christians we should pick some date in June and throw Jesus a good old barbecue.  We can serve meat from every stable animal.  Now add a festive and biblical game of "Angels Tell The Shepherds" where neighbors run to their local blue collar businesses and start yelling "A baby is born.  Runnnnn!"  This can all be done in the sweltering weather that brings us back to the ancient days of Jesus.

But wait...there's myrrh (more).  We team up the neighborhood kids and lock them out of their houses at the dead of night.  The object of the game is to have them run door to door begging for a place to stay.  It will be an endless foot chase until one of the kids finds the "stable" or dog house.  Isn't that more biblically significant than worshiping the pagan god of fir trees and declaring winter faeries the lord of sugar plumbs (or whatever those hippies do)?

Nothing says "Hail Jesus" like the December Toyota-thon!

 The Gifts of the Magi

As history foretells, Jesus, was visited by the Magi, which is like an Arabian version of Gandalf.  Each king had a present that contained gold, incense and myrrh.  By today's standards the guy who gave gold was the rich uncle and the incense and myrrh givers were the family that picked whatever they could grab from the Sear's perfume section.

Based on this little tradition, we have justified billions of debt in America each year.  We devote a blood sport called Black Friday, where soccer moms threaten to gouge out your eyes if you touch the last Tickle Me Elmo.

Happy Honda Days!

I propose we go straight to the biblical source.  In the Jesus narrative, the three wise men were pagan worshipers who found followed a night light until they found baby Jesus.  Therefore, I introduce the tradition of the secular obstacle course.  What we do is we ask 3 non believers in our local area to buy some incredibly expensive gifts.  Then we set up a tough mudder-esque obstacle course for them to navigate through.  After the countless electric barbed wire and monkey bars they can end their journey by giving their gift to a charity or "baby" of their choice.  I imagine the hardest part is coercing the non-believing neighbor to take the dangerous obstacle course.  For that I introduce the "star" or promise of cash prizes at the end of the tough mudder.  This tradition is scripturally sound and includes a degree of witnessing (after you tell them the cash prizes are really salvation).


All in all, Christmas is weird.  It's like having a huge family dinner, but one side of your family wants to buy expensive crap all the time, while the other side is obsessed with the pregnant daughter and the other side just wants to free Africa from guerrilla war fighters (I think...I should really Wiki that).  I am all for the world kick starting the economy every December, but Christianity doesn't need that extra baggage.  It would save us money on the all barbed wire we have to buy to keep the ACLU out of our nativity scenes.