Christmas Should Be Moved (The Compelling Reasons Why)

Christmas has always been a topic of contention.  You have the atheists trying to enforce work on the holiday, Christians are gunning down any pant suited women trying to say "holidays" and the pagans are trying to throw festive goat innards in peace for their Norwegian goddess Jumblebuk.

The holidays are a crazy time and I propose a compromise.  Perhaps the Christians should reconsider where and when we celebrate the birth of the world's most awesome stable born hero.  It's not like Jesus demanded snow and sugar plumbs on his birthday.  If anything, Kwanzaa was there first (based on the merit that I have no idea what Kwanzaa is and you probably don't either).  Christians need a good Summer holiday because we have Easter in the spring, the three wise men in the winter and we hide under our beds during Halloween.

One of these creatures wants to eat you.  The other, poop in your shoe.

Take this journey with me while I share why Jesus should not be surrounded with crappy snow, the word solstice and fortune 500 companies trying to pass off coupons to Yankee Candle as the Christmas bonus.



 It's Not Like The Winter Holiday Makes Sense

When Jesus was born it was the shepherding season, which some say was more closer to Summer.  That means Jesus was born in Bethlehem in 99 degree weather as opposed to the wintry difference of 98 degree weather.

As Christians we should pick some date in June and throw Jesus a good old barbecue.  We can serve meat from every stable animal.  Now add a festive and biblical game of "Angels Tell The Shepherds" where neighbors run to their local blue collar businesses and start yelling "A baby is born.  Runnnnn!"  This can all be done in the sweltering weather that brings us back to the ancient days of Jesus.

But wait...there's myrrh (more).  We team up the neighborhood kids and lock them out of their houses at the dead of night.  The object of the game is to have them run door to door begging for a place to stay.  It will be an endless foot chase until one of the kids finds the "stable" or dog house.  Isn't that more biblically significant than worshiping the pagan god of fir trees and declaring winter faeries the lord of sugar plumbs (or whatever those hippies do)?

Nothing says "Hail Jesus" like the December Toyota-thon!

 The Gifts of the Magi

As history foretells, Jesus, was visited by the Magi, which is like an Arabian version of Gandalf.  Each king had a present that contained gold, incense and myrrh.  By today's standards the guy who gave gold was the rich uncle and the incense and myrrh givers were the family that picked whatever they could grab from the Sear's perfume section.

Based on this little tradition, we have justified billions of debt in America each year.  We devote a blood sport called Black Friday, where soccer moms threaten to gouge out your eyes if you touch the last Tickle Me Elmo.

Happy Honda Days!

I propose we go straight to the biblical source.  In the Jesus narrative, the three wise men were pagan worshipers who found followed a night light until they found baby Jesus.  Therefore, I introduce the tradition of the secular obstacle course.  What we do is we ask 3 non believers in our local area to buy some incredibly expensive gifts.  Then we set up a tough mudder-esque obstacle course for them to navigate through.  After the countless electric barbed wire and monkey bars they can end their journey by giving their gift to a charity or "baby" of their choice.  I imagine the hardest part is coercing the non-believing neighbor to take the dangerous obstacle course.  For that I introduce the "star" or promise of cash prizes at the end of the tough mudder.  This tradition is scripturally sound and includes a degree of witnessing (after you tell them the cash prizes are really salvation).


All in all, Christmas is weird.  It's like having a huge family dinner, but one side of your family wants to buy expensive crap all the time, while the other side is obsessed with the pregnant daughter and the other side just wants to free Africa from guerrilla war fighters (I think...I should really Wiki that).  I am all for the world kick starting the economy every December, but Christianity doesn't need that extra baggage.  It would save us money on the all barbed wire we have to buy to keep the ACLU out of our nativity scenes.