Man Runs From Police. What Happens Next will Astound You!

He gets caught.  Have a nice day.

Once Upon A Time Spoilers From The Future!!

Everyone knows that Disney's Once Upon A Time series makes many creative liberties and sometimes is nothing more than a vehicle to milk some Disney franchises.  Here is a look at some future story lines including some Disney licenses you didn't consider.

Season 8: Lilo and Stitch

1. Lilo comes into the town of Story Brooke when Rumpelstiltskin accidentally enchants an old surf board and it turns into the Hawaiian Queen.
2. Lilo's back story is that she used to be the princess of a Hawaiian island near the enchanted woods, but an invading army of Stitchs overruled the kingdom.  They trapped Lilo in a surf board and kept her hidden away.
3. In her new life as a resident of Story Brooke she is still being haunted by the ghost of Stitch who we later find out is the evil brother of Prince Charming.  Prince Charming made a deal with Peter Pan to conceal Stitch in a magic bottle, but that bottle was stolen by the Evil Queen and fed to her royal dog, Pluto.
4. In the final scene Stitch's army comes alive and seeks to recapture Lilo, but Emma and Snow must go to an alternate timeline to get an elixir made by Gepetto that will undo the curse.

Season 9:  Wall E and Quasimodo

1. When Emma finds out the toaster oven in her house was actually an out of time robot from the future they must travel back in time to the Enchanted Forest to find Quasimodo, the engineer of steam punk robots.
2. Quasimodo came from a steam punk town called Hot Topica where he created robots and would send them into the future.  He created Wall E to impress a future space maiden, Jasmine 200X, who would later be revealed to be Emma's grandma from a previous marriage.
3. Wall E is a robot out of time, but he has ancient programming that reveals he is a killer assassin who is looking to eliminate Captain Hook, because Captain Hook is his twin brother and the two had a spat back in the old world when they both loved Princess Esmeralda.
4. Hook must reconcile with his brother before he uses the ancient program that unleashes the evil Black Cauldron dragon whom we later find out is Emma's twin sister from a previous marriage. 

 -

Season 10:  Princess Leia and Wolverine

1.  Wolverine enters Story Brooke as a bounty hunter who has been hired by Elsa's evil shadow self to capture her sister Anna, whom we later find out is Emma's aunt from a previous marriage to Aladdin.
2. Wolverine's back story is he was Gepetto's cat, but got cursed into being a reality TV bounty hunter.  He made a deal with Regina, who is under a wicked puppet spell from one of the flying monkey's who is the soul incarnation of Tron's Clu.
3. Princess Leia erupts onto the Story Brooke scene when she crashes her Death Star (the pink one) into the radio tower.  Princess Leia was reading a distress signal sent from Jiminy Cricket who is using subtle clues to show Prince Charming that he is really Princess Leia's uncle.
4. They must resurrect Obi Wan who's soul has been put into an ancient arcade game so he can reveal the magical spell that can bring back Wolverine to his time line so he can fall in love with Minnie Mouse and restore peace to his kingdom of Toy Storia. 

Season 11:  Zack from the Suite Life of Zack and Cody and Cruella D'evil

1. During one of  Henry's birthday parties a cloaked stranger named Zack, whom we later find out is Emma's grandfather in a previous marriage, is looking to train him in the dark arts of black magic.  Zack believes that Henry has special powers that he had received in a previous life when he was King of Atlantis and married to Storm.
2. Before Zack's plans reach into fruition, Cruella D'evil saves the day by unleashing her storm of zombie Dalmations.   The back story of the zombie Dalmatians is that they were former royal precepts from the Queen of Hearts until they were cursed for revealing that the Queen was having an Affair with King Simba.
3. Cruella is actually a guardian of white magic and befriends Emma, but Zack uses an evil confusion spell so that the town loses its memory. The only hero who can save them is Henry, who uses the cloak of Hercules to get the powers of Spiderman, which includes flight and the ability to channel the spirit of Buzz Lightyear.
4. The scene ends in a standoff as Anna is revealed to be a robot clone of Emma's aunt from a previous marriage and banishes Henry to the evil mirror, where he must free Cody, the only Power Ranger left in his reality who can restore balance to the Prehistoric Ninja Storm.

And Disney execs continue to roll around in money.

Quiz: Facebook Post or Cognitive and Social Disability. I was shocked by # 4. This will blow you away! I Cannot stop writing...help

Can you tell the difference between a Facebook trend and a Developmental Disability Symptom? I have worked as a Community Integration Assistant for people with cognitive disabilities and strangely I find Facebook to have most or all of their symptoms.  If Facebook was a consumer in a group home the caretaker would have his work cut out for him.

Facebook Trend Vs.   DD Symptom

1. The consumer will exhibit behaviors of inappropriate or outlandish actions to garner attention seeking behavior.  This is an attempt to get noticed and responded to by peers.

2.  The consumer will obsess repeatedly over a thought or an idea with the inability to stop perseverating.

3.  The consumer will be completely distracted by weird or peculiar details that should not be significant to society.

4.  Under great stress the consumer will protest with irrational claims and defenses that have no backing

5. In some cases the consumer will show signs of anti-social behavior to distance themselves from others

6. The consumer will sometimes have bipolar disorder that is extreme in both cases.

7.  The consumer will have an inability to share thoughts and ideas.   With poor motor controls they will not be able to be short and concise.

8.  And then there is confusion over what is real or fiction.

The New Christian Sport: Bashing the Church

When a guest on the Colbert Report or John Stewart show rips into Christianity and how dumb we are I groan a little.  Usually I can get over it because I know that some of that is bitterness and miscommunication.  

But when Christians found out that the only way to be smart and get people to read their blog is to type articles that start with, "4 problems in the church," "18 lies the church told me," "5 ways church goers get the Bible wrong."  I really think we are living up to this quote.

"The Church is the only Institution that shoots its wounded."

Now, in no way do I think the church is a rosy club that can do no wrong.  Not at all,  I think we need a good fire under our butts.  In fact, the church is one of the best atmospheres to foster that fire.

With that said, I am going to show my rage for this new kind of popularity contest among Christian thinkers that shows the only way to earn respect or prove intelligence is to blast this way of life.  It gets a few extra hits on the website and you get the coveted, "you are pretty smart for being a Christian" from Johnny Atheist, but it is also a running dropkick to the privates of an institution that God has put every investment into.

That guy has his arms crossed during worship.  He must be the smartest one.

First lets start off with the positive.  Jesus told Peter that he was going to build his church on him.  Not literally on him, but in that metaphorical way that smart people talk about.  Since that confession, the church has been the number one headquarters for all of God's plans and heists.  When Jesus returned from his death on the Cross he was sighted by primarily believers (Acts 1:3).  The Great Commission is based on the followers of the church spreading their word.

"You people suck.  I am going to recruit pagans." Said no Jesus ever.

But you might be protesting this saying, "that is spiritual stuff.  The church doesn't care about important stuff like sex, dating and what to wear on a Friday night."  Wrong again, proverbial critic!  The church was also supposed to find marriages for the young Christians in their assembly and foster healthy relationships."  The Early Church was the center for leisure, marriage, education and family life.

I get it, times have changed and the church is getting old.  We should constantly expose the old information of the church and weed out the bad advice.  Yes and no.  Yes we should always be good judges of what scripture says and teach others, but no, we should not be an a-hole about it.

My next article is called, "Christians Smell Like Poop!"

Whenever we flash these loud and ambiguous blogs about how the church lifestyle is ineffective, wrong and completely out of whack it really makes me question if you understand the role we have in eternity.  We are the final beta testers for God's perfection over the Earth (Rev 21:1), we are the only ones invited into the house of God and also we are the only reason God has not blown up the Earth (Matt 24:14).  When God takes us from unbeliever to believer he even categorizes us from "fool" to "wise" (1 Cor 2:6).  I don't want Christians to look more saintly than we are, but I want the naysayers to realize that we are God's first and only plan for bringing out his goal.

Thank goodness for humility

We are also missing the point of God's domination plan when we talk about how old and outdated the idea of church is.  The plan has always been for the Gospel to restore the people of the world, bring them closer to the one who made them and create a community of believers (Rev 21:2).  There's a schism created when we make articles that separate "real believers in Jesus," with "the church."

The church needs to be its own critic.  We need to continue realizing that not everything we say is perfect, godly and sensical.  That should not make a Christian blogger write this huge expose' on how the church just doesn't get it and it needs to change or die.  We are a dynamic group, constantly wrestling with the truth, adapting to revelation and constantly growing into our salvation (with fear and trembling).  When we fall we have the unlimited foundation of grace and redemption to climb back up.  No other institution has that kind of a promise.

Only the church!

 

If the Bible Was Written By Clickbait Writers

No one reads the Bible anymore and I think I know why.  The internet is way more fascinating with its headlines.  Every headline is trying to teach you that 1 trick to lose weight, get rich or learn celebrity gossip.  Finally someone took the Bible and updated it to our grubby internet ad standards.

 

Probable Upworthy Headlines We Will See in the Future

Upworthy  GroanWorthy

11. A Young boy gets extra mashed potatoes on his dinner plate only using one word.

10. This girl disproves every stereotype of knee cancer in America for the last 300 years

9. All white men suck and this 50 year old Belgian stockbroker discovered this while spelunking

8. This one fashion tip made this former Klu Klux Klan member quit his job and take up ballet

7. U2 sings a song that probably has a lot to do with problems in Africa

6. Sexist teacher fails college female based on her gender (and she failed every test)

5. This one African American newborn communicates a message of equality and brotherhood to the Georgia police force using only spittle and drool

4. One fact about this man keeps the American public constantly calling him a serial killer...he also killed some people.

3. She found a way to never be harassed by men.  It's hilarious and completely proves our double standard.

2. Russia just won a gold medal...in Hell...for being evil...and dark....with fire...and terror (are we being too subtle?)

1. Little girls story about unicorns in grade school may be the answer to America's trillion dollar debt.

If Adam and Eve had Modern Christian Relationship Problems

One day Adam was walking through the glorious paradise known as Eden, when suddenly he spotted Eve looking sad.  He went over to investigate.

Adam: Eve, you look sad, what is wrong?
Eve: Sit down Adam, I think I have a revelation.
Adam:  Sure, Eve, what can I help you with, love of my life.
Eve: That's just it.  We need to talk about our relationship.
Adam:  Ooookay.
Eve:  I don't think God wants us to be together.
Adam: What?  How can you say that?
Eve:  I think God is telling me that we shouldn't go out.
Adam:  Why don't we ask him?  He is literally ten feet away.
Eve:  He didn't literally tell me, but I think he is giving me a feeling.  It's a feeling that he doesn't want us together.
Adam:  No, seriously Eve, we should just go ask him.
Eve:  That might just confuse me more.  I just don't think I am ready for a relationship.
Adam:  I really like you Eve.  You know I would never hurt you.
Eve:  Really, even after I caught you staring at that fruit tree?
Adam:  All men have problems with that Eve!  I told you that in confidence!
Eve:  And that is why we might not be good for each other.  We are spiritually immature to be in a relationship.
Adam:  Good for each other?  God made you from my rib. You came to this Earth because I was lonely.
Eve:  There you go again making the conversation all about you!  Remember what God said at our small group...don't be selfish.
Adam:  Hey, I'm just quoting God here.  What is better than hooking up with the only dude on this Earth?
Eve:   But what if I want to get a job and be a career woman?
Adam:  What are you going to work on?  Everything is practically given to us.
Eve:  You are very sweet, Adam, but I really think I need to follow my heart.
Adam:  But we were meant for each other...
Eve:  You will always be a brother in Christ to me...
Adam:  I don't know who that is.  Look, God spoke to me and he said we were meant to be together.
Eve:  How do you know?
Adam:  Well, you came naked, which I take as a sign.  If God did not want me to notice you you would have come with clothing.
Eve:  Maybe I am looking for someone more mature in God.  Two becoming one sounds like a huge commitment.  We will need to leave the garden and start a new house.
Adam:  Woah...now you are going a little fast.  Maybe we should take a break.
Eve:  We will both pray about it.
Adam:  So you are just going to give up on the whole finding a partner?
Eve:  You're a great guy, Adam.  I have no doubt you will find someone.