What if the Hobbit book was written like the movies?

Chapter 1

Bilbo Gets Dwarfed

Suddenly the door knocks.  Bilbo's steady hand reaches for the knob.  Too late, it opens unexpectedly.  Long, dark and handsome locks streamed down his face.  He was not like the other dwarfs.  His mystery laden looks would sent butterflies to even the most stubborn of maidens.

Bilbo stared at him with a gap in his mouth.

....
Gandalf turns around with a look of foreboding danger on his face, "We need someone special for this mission.  Someone who can sneak around and steal stuff."

Bilbo felt a knot in his stomach as it seemed that all eyes were on him.

Suddenly, Gandalf jumped on the table and pointed his long bony finger at the Hobbit.  In an exhilarating voice he announced, "we need a burglar!"

Chapter 5

Legolas Pwns All

Suddenly Legolas ducked the oncoming blade.  Spinning in a perfect 360 he dodged the left arm of the oncoming goblin's blade.  His right arm jabbed deep into the temple of the goblin and the blade sunk in deep.  A blade was jutting forth from a wide angle, Legolas quickly performed a back flip, spun around, kicked the goblin in the stomach and started riding him like a surf board

Another goblin was close behind, but Legolas did not seem him.  He was about to get stabbed with a huge scimitar.
Zip!

The goblin falls down to the ground, covered in spouts of blood.  Tauriel is behind him with bow extended.
A cunning grin escaped Legolas' perfect white teeth.

"Miss me!"  Tauriel retorted.
"Only if you were aiming for me,"  Legolas shot back.

...
As the river raged on constantly, the team of dwarfs and one Hobbit continued to toss axes to one another.  But none of them were prepared for the next danger of their journey.  There was a tree branch that had five goblins on it.  They had only killed four.  Oakenshield spotted the weakness of the tree branch.
"We need to cut it down."

Too late, one of the dwarfs got hit by a rogue wave and was sent barreling onto dry land.  His barrel became a battering ram.  SMASH, SMASH, SMASH.  Goblins were falling like dominoes!  He was an unstoppable force.  When he finally crashed, his arms shot out of the barrel, forming into a swift armor.  He began to do some vicious spin attacks that killed lots of goblins.

Chapter 8

Guess Who is Back!

The large dark shadow exploded again.  The power of Gandalf's light began to decrease.  He was losing power fast.  Suddenly, a large bot of energy escaped Gandalf and his light shield exploded.

But it did not work.  The darkness burst open again and Gandalf blasted back onto a wall.  He felt the dark energy course over him.  Bursts of flame poured all round his face.  With fearful eyes he saw the flames begin to take shape.  They created a dark paladin with menacing armor.  Gandalf turned white as a ghost.  His eyes were like cold marbles.

"It can't be!"  He shouted.
"I'm baaaaaaaack!" the evil voice said.

Sauron had returned!

Chapter 10

Tauriel could not make a decision.  Before her was the king's son, the lovely and captivating Legolas.  He was a master monster killer and he could protect her.  But she did not feel love in her heart for him.  In fact, she felt cold.  Her heart belonged to Kili.  She pushed Legolas out of the way, "I could never love you."

Kili smiled weakly, "Back at you babe."

Peter Jackson:  The first director to get paid hourly.

Christmas Should Be Moved (The Compelling Reasons Why)

Christmas has always been a topic of contention.  You have the atheists trying to enforce work on the holiday, Christians are gunning down any pant suited women trying to say "holidays" and the pagans are trying to throw festive goat innards in peace for their Norwegian goddess Jumblebuk.

The holidays are a crazy time and I propose a compromise.  Perhaps the Christians should reconsider where and when we celebrate the birth of the world's most awesome stable born hero.  It's not like Jesus demanded snow and sugar plumbs on his birthday.  If anything, Kwanzaa was there first (based on the merit that I have no idea what Kwanzaa is and you probably don't either).  Christians need a good Summer holiday because we have Easter in the spring, the three wise men in the winter and we hide under our beds during Halloween.

One of these creatures wants to eat you.  The other, poop in your shoe.

Take this journey with me while I share why Jesus should not be surrounded with crappy snow, the word solstice and fortune 500 companies trying to pass off coupons to Yankee Candle as the Christmas bonus.



 It's Not Like The Winter Holiday Makes Sense

When Jesus was born it was the shepherding season, which some say was more closer to Summer.  That means Jesus was born in Bethlehem in 99 degree weather as opposed to the wintry difference of 98 degree weather.

As Christians we should pick some date in June and throw Jesus a good old barbecue.  We can serve meat from every stable animal.  Now add a festive and biblical game of "Angels Tell The Shepherds" where neighbors run to their local blue collar businesses and start yelling "A baby is born.  Runnnnn!"  This can all be done in the sweltering weather that brings us back to the ancient days of Jesus.

But wait...there's myrrh (more).  We team up the neighborhood kids and lock them out of their houses at the dead of night.  The object of the game is to have them run door to door begging for a place to stay.  It will be an endless foot chase until one of the kids finds the "stable" or dog house.  Isn't that more biblically significant than worshiping the pagan god of fir trees and declaring winter faeries the lord of sugar plumbs (or whatever those hippies do)?

Nothing says "Hail Jesus" like the December Toyota-thon!

 The Gifts of the Magi

As history foretells, Jesus, was visited by the Magi, which is like an Arabian version of Gandalf.  Each king had a present that contained gold, incense and myrrh.  By today's standards the guy who gave gold was the rich uncle and the incense and myrrh givers were the family that picked whatever they could grab from the Sear's perfume section.

Based on this little tradition, we have justified billions of debt in America each year.  We devote a blood sport called Black Friday, where soccer moms threaten to gouge out your eyes if you touch the last Tickle Me Elmo.

Happy Honda Days!

I propose we go straight to the biblical source.  In the Jesus narrative, the three wise men were pagan worshipers who found followed a night light until they found baby Jesus.  Therefore, I introduce the tradition of the secular obstacle course.  What we do is we ask 3 non believers in our local area to buy some incredibly expensive gifts.  Then we set up a tough mudder-esque obstacle course for them to navigate through.  After the countless electric barbed wire and monkey bars they can end their journey by giving their gift to a charity or "baby" of their choice.  I imagine the hardest part is coercing the non-believing neighbor to take the dangerous obstacle course.  For that I introduce the "star" or promise of cash prizes at the end of the tough mudder.  This tradition is scripturally sound and includes a degree of witnessing (after you tell them the cash prizes are really salvation).


All in all, Christmas is weird.  It's like having a huge family dinner, but one side of your family wants to buy expensive crap all the time, while the other side is obsessed with the pregnant daughter and the other side just wants to free Africa from guerrilla war fighters (I think...I should really Wiki that).  I am all for the world kick starting the economy every December, but Christianity doesn't need that extra baggage.  It would save us money on the all barbed wire we have to buy to keep the ACLU out of our nativity scenes.

This Christmas Song will Bring You To Tears

If we took all the piano heavy, country inspired Christmas songs sung by men in sweater vests we would  get the saddest song in the known universe.  There is something about the holidays that forces young men to try and create songs that produce so much sap that they could make pine trees jealous.

I want to make a tribute to all these songs and encourage my fellow musician friends to compose the music to this new masterpiece.  It is guaranteed to get middle aged soccer moms to blubber.



Christmas Tears

Mama slowly gets up from her hospital bed
She takes me by the hand as I help her get her meds
She says, "boy, on this Christmas, no one should be alone"
As she scoops me up she puts me back in the orphanage home

Daddy lost his job at the old steel mill
With his diabetes,  he suffers quiet and still
Staring out at the snow; a widow for seven years
He wishes upon a Christmas Tree and holds his daughter near

Chorus:
Crying Christmas tears
Making snow angels in my heart
Gotta walk this icy windy road all alone
Crying Christmas tears
Wishing we could never part
Kissing myself goodbye under the mistletoe

She asks the street vendor, "I need those Christmas slippers"
"It's for my dog who survived 9/11, his name is Skipper"
With a twinkle in his eye, he removes a tear from his face
"These shoes were just given, to a footless girl named Grace"

He comes home from Iraq, tattered and quite bruised
The sound of explosions still  haunting in the news
His family holds him close, he would never them fall
He salutes to the US flag, "Santa Claus bless them all!"

(Repeat Chorus)

He gets down on one knee and opens up the ring
her face is blushing red, she can hear the angels the sing
"Darla be my bride," he whispers through the cry
"Marry me this one time, because tomorrow I will die"

A junkie down the streets, sings praises to the Lord
Snow rains down and a home he can't afford
The preacher puts down his whiskey, the cold cuts like a knife.
Says to the junkie, "You restored my faith, I am returning to my wife"

(Repeat Chorus)

Tech News: Sunbishi Unveils the First Smart PC

Popular Japanese tech company, Sunbishi, had just unveiled the brand new Exile One, the world's first smart computer.
"After all the smart phones, smart cars and smart TVs, it was time someone made a smart PC," says Mitsu Hong, spokesperson for Sunbishi.

The "Smart" craze has reached all types of merchandise and products (see Smart Toaster) it was about time the technology would reach the home computer.

"First and foremost," says Mitsu, "We wanted the Smart Computer to keep up with today's phones.  We started making an app service that would bring Netflix, Wordpress and Facebook to the convenience of the home computer.  You can just click on them with a mouse without any touch or hassle."

Furthermore, Sunbishi investigated why today's cars have internet and music apps.  They immediately copied the Smart Car technology and made web browsers and music players for the home computer.  A user could upload all their music onto the home PC as if they were using a tablet.  Going on the internet could be revolutionized with a mouse and keyboard.


"It's amazing that this technology has not reached the home PC audience," Mitsu comments, "We are currently working to put popular games like Angry Birds and Candy Crush on our Smart PC.  Maybe one day the PC will have even more technical games but for right now we can afford only the games the cell phone has."


Right now, the Exile One is priced at $1200 for a 32gb hard drive.  "It may be expensive," Mitsu retaliates, "but you have to remember that this is not some dinky tablet, but a Smart PC."  The Exile Two is slated to be revealed in quarter three and is rumored to have photo and video editing technology (similar to Vines and Instagram).

And speaking of tablets, Sunbishi is working on a bigger tablet.  Adding a keyboard and a bigger screen, the developers are working on a slightly more powerful tablet that sits on your lap.

In other news:  Apple strikes back with their own Smart PC, The Air Pro Pad Mac Book Pod Mini

PS4 and XB1 games based on modern news!

Let's face it.  We can name off every exclusive game that is coming out for the new systems, but we know jack about the government.  Well, what if they made games that were based on hot news items.  Maybe if the news was as relevant as today's today video game sequels it would be worth our time.

                                                 

The multiplayer is a little unbalanced!

It is free to play...unless you want to win

Creepers can always see you

It's a Sim game where you do nothing

My Android Experience in Pictures

The Life Cycle of a Meme (The death of a bad joke)

For those of you who do not know what a meme is, it is a trend on the internet that gets repeated by everyone until it no longer makes any sense.  It usually involves a funny picture or movie quote and is then manipulated into several variations of that joke until it is no longer relevant.  These are popular by teenagers and college kids.

I will be showing you the life cycle of a meme.

1.  A meme is born

It is kind of witty, a bit silly and loaded with cheesy goodness.  It is worth a chuckle.

2. The meme gets added to current events

You can appreciate that people are using the joke in new ways, but it has run its course.  So you think...

3.  Now the meme needs to be added to other memes

By now you are sick of the meme and it should respectfully bow out due to overuse.

4)  Comedians try to add a fresh coat of paint on the meme

Pretty lame, but that is human nature.  Now this is where the internet takes obsession to a whole new level.

5) The those mentally challenged kids try to draw their French version in PaintMS

Now you are discovering what it feels to hate again!


6).  Hipsters try to make a meme about the meme to make it look uncool

Wait, weren't those the kids who bragged about liking it first?

7)  It becomes so popular that TV gets in on it.

It should have been dead ages ago, but there is one more level of Hell for this joke to pass through.

8)  Someone has to correct this joke

And it is official!  The dead horse has been beaten into a fine powder.  You can actually put the dead horse's remains into a cigar and smoke them.

So really a meme is where a joke goes to die.  It is kind of a joke hospice.

MEMEBASE:

Where Unoriginality meets Laziness

The Hobbit 2 (Failed sequel names)

Hobbit 2: The Revenge
Hobbit Harder
Hobbit II: The Sorcerers Scone
Hobbits On A Plain
Hobbit Legacy
Hobbit Forever
Hobbit Begins 2
Hobbit Rises
Live Elf Die Orc
3 Hours of Walking 2
Hobbit: We Might Show The Dragon Again
Hobbit Reloaded
Hobbits Take Manhattan
Hobbits in Space
Hobbits: Darkside of the MiddleEarth
Hobbit 2: Enter Legolas
Chronicles of Hobbit: The Dragon, The Lich and The Blue Sword
Hobbit Episode 2: The Faramir Menace
Hobbit 2: OMG Edition
Calvin and Hobbits
Hobbit 2.3D.HD.4K
Hobbit: The Expected Journey
Hobbit 2: One Does Not Walk Into Mordor Edition
How Peter Jackson Retired 2
Too Orc Too Hobbit
Hobbitron
Hairy Dwarfers: Hobblet of Fire
Revenge of the Nerds 3
Hobbit 2: Desolation of Smog (An Inconvenient Truth)

To Do List of the Rich and Famous

Gangster Rapper:
9am: Wake up
9:15 am: Practice getting shot in the mirror
11:00 am: Find words that rhyme with playa, swag and foshizzle
2:00 pm: Ask Jay-Z out to dinner, make fun of Jay-Z in a song later
4:00 pm: Study Eminem's music. Mock Eminem in a song later.
6:00 pm: Learn dubstep.
6:15 pm: Learn how to use a computer for dubstep
7:00 pm: Donate money to Save A Dog
8:00 pm: Make song about the tough life in Compton
8:15 pm: Return home to gated community
10:15 pm: Pay legal fees for racist comment.
11:00 pm: Huge party at the yacht club. Get crunk.
12:00 am: Tell wife I was not crunk.

Diva:
12pm: Wake up early
1:00 pm: Drink coffee to get rid of hangover
2:00 pm: Consider Disney offer to film a kid's show
3:00 pm: Finish all meat dress
3:30 pm: Keep all meat dress away from dogs
5:00 pm: Pose for seductive photographs
6:00 pm: Complain about the public treating you like a child
8:00 pm: Buy new auto tuner machine to reach higher notes
1:00 am: Send Tweet to followers about "staying in school"

The Dumbest Sponsorships For Man of Steel

To hype up the Man of Steel movie from DC, the comic book producers put the brand name on multiple products to get people excited.  This display of shameless advertising showed us two things 1) DC really has no shame and 2) DC really doesn't understand the brand Superman.  Especially with products like...

 1. Cheez-Its

Justification:  Cheez-Its is a party snack.  Kids like Cheez-its right!

 Fault:  Unless they are alluding to the metaphor that Superman is a Jesus figure and that Cheez-Its is what people yell instead of taking the Lord's name in vain, this is not a worthy party snack.  But it is not as bad as...

 2.  Town House Crackers

Justification:  This is probably a cruel joke about Clark's home town not being posh enough to afford a town house.

Fault:  You only use Town House crackers when you are inviting your elderly lady friends for a rousing game of pinocle.  I have never seen anyone under the age of 40 buy Town House crackers.

3. Poptarts

Justification:  Similar to a Poptart, Man of Steel is a movie that was really easy to prepare, but very regrettable after 2 hours because of its very stubborn and over powering flavor.

Fault:  Poptarts are usually good if you eat one square inch per gallon of milk.  Like Poptarts, Superman is also way too strong and a default answer to most problems.

4. Twizzlers

 






Justification:  Superman is red.  Twizzlers are red.  Match made in Heaven.

Fault:  Long synthetic concoctions that are filled with sugar and artificial flavors.  That seems to also be the description of everyone's character development in the movie.




Note:  These pictures were quite difficult to find online.  Maybe DC realized how dumb Man of Steel on Kelloggs was.
   

Movies Based on Board Games

Movies Based on Board Games

With Battleship coming out, I have been pondering what other board games would make great movies.  And since Clue was a smash success, I think my movies wouldn't do so bad either.

Monopoly:  In 1920's New York City, a eccentric billionaire invites a group of millionaire business men to a dangerous game.  The men must buy up as mush of New York City property as possible.  The game gets out of hand when the millionaires take it too seriously and trick each other's families into staying at tourist trap hotels.  Who will survive the vicious game of buying and selling?  Starring Michael Douglas, Alec Baldwin, and Ryan Gosling as Thimble, Race Car and Yorkshire and Martin Sheen as Montgomery Moneybags.




Pass The Pigs:  A community of farmers in Soviet Russia learn to coexist in economic hard times by renting out (or passing) livestock to each other.  A warm heartfelt comedy about being a true neighbor and looking out for one another.  Guest cameo from Martin Sheen as Wilbert the talking pig.  Subtitles in English.

Apples to Apples:  Hilary Swank plays an OCD English teacher that tells her students to be brutally honest when confronted with different nouns.  Eventually all her students start yelling out "ugly," "creepy," and "Delicious" when confronted with family, girlfriends and Helen Keller.  Things go topside when the protagonist played by Shia Lebouf reveals that he thinks his girlfriend is "smelly," "rich," "disgusting," "beautiful," and "dazzling."




Connect Four:  Four government spies find out that one of them is a mole.  Now they have to connect how their fellow spy is entangled in this dangerous game of betrayal and sabotage.  How do they connect?  Will they connect before the whole government topples from its grid?




Don't Wake Daddy:  A psycho drama about an alcoholic father who is in charge of an estranged daughter.  Though he is very abusive to her, she dreams of a perfect life with him.  In a heart wrenching ending, the father gets into a coma and has the same dream as his daughter.  Billy Bob Thorton steals the show as Gordy, the retired Nascar driver, and Dakota Fanning is the daughter pining for a better life.

 Sorry:  Two Alaskan fishers get stuck on an iceberg.  Tensions flare as global warming melts the ice berg and they soon learn that they cannot coexist on the same space.  Who will survive and who will be sorry?  Harrison Ford and Topher Grace star as the Alaskan farmers.  Natalie Portman plays the mysterious voice from Aurora.






Parcheesi: A gold hearted musical about, Teddy, an old man who finds that his house is blocked off by a wall.  The only way he can get home is by going around the world and getting home from the other side.  Along the way he meets Neil Patrick Harris, Felicia Day and Jackie Chan.  A feel good movie about coming of age.




Operation:  Ryan Reynolds wakes up on an operating bed in Afghanistan to find that he has 8 bombs sewn into his torso.  It's a race against time as Kirsten Dunst, a retired doctor, must remove all bombs without moving them drastically.  Johnny Depp plays the sadistic terrorist doctor, Doctor Rednose.  From the director of Phone Booth comes this horrifying nightmare.

Jenga:  Michael Bay's finest science fiction piece to date.  Two demolition experts, Andy Sanberg and Jonah Hill, accidentally blow up a building created by an ancient race of aliens.  Now the aliens exact revenge by destroying popular buildings around the world.  Featuring unused CGI from Transformers.