RECAP: Clinton vs. Trump at Political Wrestling Entertainment

The following is a transcript of what went down at last night's PPV in Political Wrestling Entertainment.

Fade In
Lights flicker
flares shoot out

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman welcome to Political Wrestling Entertainment. We have a huge show for you tonight. We finally see the vacant World Title of Presidency disputed by Trump and Clinton. This will be the biggest battle since Obama faced Romney in the steel cage at Electionmania.

Suddenly Trump's entrance music "Sexy Billionaire" hits the Politron and out comes Big Money Trump accompanied by Sixx Pence, Ivanka Hottie, Water Boy Christie and Creepy Carson.

He taunts the audience. He is collecting much heat. First he asks Christie to get on all fours so he can shine his wrestling boots. He starts to talk about all the women he has taken to the "Billionaire Mountain." He points to his lower extremities several times. He points to Ivana Hottie and comments that none of the women are nearly as hot as Ivanka. He finds a female in the audience and asks her if she wants to join his Billionaire bimbo club. She slaps him. Carson immediately threatens to do some unsanctioned heart surgery on her, but Sixx Pence holds him back. Some of the crowd is chanting Sixx Pence even though he was meant to draw heat.

Suddenly... the Politron yells out "I'll Delete Your Face!" The theme "Queen of the World" plays and out comes The Dirtiest Player in the Game: Hillary Clinton. She is accompanied by Laughing Boy Kaine, Col. Sanders and Dirty Bill.

The crowd is also giving her much heat though some members of the crowd are chanting "Sanders." She laughs maniacally at the audience. Clinton says she has been in the game much longer than Trump. She knows the politics of the ring and she has used every trick to get where she wants. She challenges Trump to step in the ring with her, saying that she deleted everyone who got in her way. She then shows last nights match on the Polititron when she faced off against Col. Sanders. The footage shows the referee doing a slow count on Col. Sanders' pin attempt on Hillary. Hillary low blows Sanders and goes for the dirty pin securing the win. She laughs again, "you don't get where I am without a few tricks."

Trump gets right into her face. He looks ready to throw a punch. Suddenly the theme song "My Life Matters" hits the ring and President 4 Life Obama comes out to address his audience. The crowd is chanting his name fervently. He says, "Let's settle this tonight. Trump and Clinton will be in a ladder match to decide the undisputed champ of the United States Presidency."

The crowd pops!

Trumps music plays first and he exits.

Later that night

Announcer: Oh boy, we've been waiting a long time to see who gets to be the president.

We cut to the ring where we see The Constitution hanging from a hook and two ladders by the ring side.

Clinton's music comes out first and she comes alone. She is dressed in full pant suit.
Next Trump's music plays and he comes out in a shiny full piece suit made of gold.

Dirty Player Clinton Vs. Big Money Trump- Ladder Match 4 Presidency

Trump goes in aggressively. He begins to take Clinton to the corner with a barrage of backhands. Clinton escapes and throws Trump outside of the ring. She throws him into the guard rail. She takes him back into the ring and tries for the vertical suplex. Trump reverses it and Irish whips her into the ropes. He goes for the "Crippled Reporter Slam" but Clinton reverses it into "Pump Scandal Suplex." She gets out the first ladder and starts to climb up. Trump grabs her waist and hits the "Putin Power Bomb." He begins to make his way up the ladder. Suddenly the referee pushes over the ladder with Trump on it. Clinton hands the ref a wad of twenties. Clinton goes back on the ladder and starts to ascend to greatness. Trump gets angry and starts to pummel the ref senselessly until the ref is bleeding. Trump runs over to the ladder and starts to climb up. Clinton has one hand on The Constitution. Trump has his hand on it. They both pull on it and...it rips in half. Right now the crowd is booing incessantly.

Suddenly Gary "The Gun" Johnson slides into the ring. He picks up both pieces of the constitution and tries to put them back together. Clinton and Trump will have none of that. Clinton hits "The Deleter" on him and Trump hits "The Nasty Woman." Gary is laid out. He didn't even get in any offense.

Trump goes to grab the remaining pieces of the constitution. Suddenly President 4 Life Obama's music plays. President Obama is holding the title over his shoulder. He slides into the ring. He grabs Trump and hits "The Full Pardon Pedigree."  Trump drops The remaining wrinkled bits of the Constitution and Hillary grabs them. Obama raises her hand and she celebrates the upset victory.

The crowd is chanting "bull ****" as her music plays.

Announcer: I had a feeling they would have been chanting it even if Trump had won.

The lights fade out.
An eagle can be heard weeping.
 

A Guide to Political Arguing

Liberals Arguing With Conservatives

1. Order your very own "I Participated and I am a Winner Trophy" before the argument starts.

2. Confront the Conservative in a quiet safe space. Make sure to give them 48.63 inches of room.

3. Use phrases like, "if only you would conform to the global group mind," and "everyone else is doing it!"

4. Take a moment to excuse yourself and cry. Most likely the Conservative threatened to throw your family in a pyre of burning banned books.

5. If you feel your emotional energy depleting make sure you have an emergency circle of people to stand around you holding hands. Their positive energy and feelings acts as a cell tower of hope.

6. Once again, leave some time to excuse yourself for some good sobbing. Most likely the Conservative threatened to eat your baby.

7. Most Conservatives need help focusing on the problems. All arguments should be reduced to hashtags.

8. After the argument make sure to curtsy respectfully and reply, "May the global think mind be merciful on your non complying thought."


Conservatives Arguing With Liberals

1. Always check the argument space before. Liberals love to hide gun stealing lobbyists in the bushes.

2. Instead of saying phrases like, "Eternal Slavery of All Non-Rich," try saying terms like "Creative Relocation and Purpose Training for Middle Class."

3. Sometimes Liberals will trick you into signing a sheet of paper that forces your family to have free health care. Don't fall for it. That is not an application for Guns and Freedom Magazine

4. Swear words and threats make your arguments sound more informed and backed up

5. Wrapping yourself in any Southern Flag reduces blaming by 30%

6. In most cases the Liberal will try to delete your words from the server of their mind. Don't let them. Keep uploading that stuff.

7. The Liberal will unfairly point to the superfluous wads of cash that are falling from your pockets constantly. You need to kindly tell them that money was honestly received from Operation Remove All The Endangered Species.

8. If the argument gets dicey, take out a Lysol bottle and start spraying CFC's. Then tell the arguer that for every word they say one layer of ozone will deteriorate . That shuts them up quick.

The Most Boring Shirt in the World (and how I feel about it)

I found this shirt at Walmart. Now I know Walmart isn't synonymous with the phrases quality, driven to greatness and perfectionism, but this shirt takes it to a new level. The level of NO CARES GIVEN on this shirt is so high that I wonder why it was even made. Take a deep and long look at this shirt. This is what giving up on life looks like.

First of all, we need to look at the perfectly good franchise that the artist is portraying. Not only did the no-cares-given artist pick a children's franchise to portray, but he picked one of the most colorful and most interesting serials. The Ninja Turtles is all about talking, humanoid, ninja amphibians who fight Samurais and talk to rats. When the artist was given the task to encapsulate the glory of Ninja Turtles, his first instinct was to write their names and call it a day.

Not only did he write their names on four lines, but to add to the #NoFluffsGiven attitude he didn't even bother to make it grammatically correct. It's almost as if he transcribed the description of the shirt into a literal design.

Boss: Ted, what are you going to put on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle's shirt?

Ted: Leonardo and Raphael and Donatello and Michelangelo

Boss: Sounds colorful!

Let's not forget that the wording on this t-shirt is not even formatted in a way that is pleasing to the eye. It's kind of justified left and written in a sanserif font found on most word processing devices. Now add to the fact the artist was not going to waste any precious time on writing the word "and" out. When the prettiest picture on your shirt is the & symbol, then you know you haven't arrived.

How did this shirt get past any human being with a shred of imagination in their soul. Is there a market of bourgeois literalists who are demanding the most minimalist shirt in the universe? How did this pass an inspector who has any understanding of kids?

Inspector: I don't have time to look at the shirt. Just tell me what is on it?

Ted: Leonardo and Raphael and Donatello and Michelangelo

Inspector: Beautiful! Put it in print.

I can't be totally harsh on this design. I imagine the boss found out about the design about halfway through the production.

Boss: We need to spruce up this monstrosity. It is so boring.

Ted: Why don't we put white rings around the shoulders?

Boss: You saved us again, Ted!

There is so much happening with this shirt that it concerns me to the deepest core. Questions in my mind are rising up like, is there a market for kids who lack all imagination and love in their hearts? Did this shirt sell and if it did is there a way I can write the Avengers names on a black t-shirt? Is this social commentary for the effects of Ritalin on young minds? Why Ninja Turtles? Why not write out the ingredients for beef stew?

I also imagine the marketing team expecting this reaction when some child receives this t-shirt

Mom: Happy Birthday, Son!

Son: Oh my goodness! I love these four names! I love how they are in a neat and organized row! The & symbol adds so much. Now I am going to go to my room and memorize the Dewey Decimal system!

Well I have added myself to this market. Here is my contribution

Trump Requires All Camels to Fit Through Needles

Our committed and loyal evangelical presidential hopeful has finally found a way around that pesky warning Jesus gave about being rich.

On March 12th, in Tulsa, Oklahoma he said he will require all camels in the United States to fit through the eyes of needles. His hope is that Jesus will lighten up on the impossibility of greedy people going to Heaven, once he sees how easy it is.

The concern erupted one week ago when Trump stumbled upon a verse about how hard it is to get a rich man into Heaven.

"For the first 12 minutes I considered giving my money away and encouraging generosity to the poor, but luckily I found a loop hole...or a needle hole."

Since it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for Trump to buy his way into being Christian, he is requiring all camels to be forced through needle holes in order to simplify the process.

The Zoo Safety Society has sent multiple emails urging the would-be president to reconsider putting camels in harms way.

Trump simply replied, "camels are used in the Middle East. They are terrorists."

This one thing you missed from Civil War will blow your mind!

Someone photoshopped a red arrow and a circle.

This One Fan Theory Will Blow Your Mind About Star Wars

It's just a movie. Calm down!

3 Easy steps to tell if your baby is getting too big to carry

Three easy tell signs to use to determine if your child is getting too big to carry.

Can your child do this...

This

Or this

Then your child is too big to carry.