The following is a transcript of what went down at last night's PPV in Political Wrestling Entertainment.
Fade In
Lights flicker
flares shoot out
Announcer: Ladies and gentleman welcome to Political Wrestling Entertainment. We have a huge show for you tonight. We finally see the vacant World Title of Presidency disputed by Trump and Clinton. This will be the biggest battle since Obama faced Romney in the steel cage at Electionmania.
Suddenly Trump's entrance music "Sexy Billionaire" hits the Politron and out comes Big Money Trump accompanied by Sixx Pence, Ivanka Hottie, Water Boy Christie and Creepy Carson.
He taunts the audience. He is collecting much heat. First he asks Christie to get on all fours so he can shine his wrestling boots. He starts to talk about all the women he has taken to the "Billionaire Mountain." He points to his lower extremities several times. He points to Ivana Hottie and comments that none of the women are nearly as hot as Ivanka. He finds a female in the audience and asks her if she wants to join his Billionaire bimbo club. She slaps him. Carson immediately threatens to do some unsanctioned heart surgery on her, but Sixx Pence holds him back. Some of the crowd is chanting Sixx Pence even though he was meant to draw heat.
Suddenly... the Politron yells out "I'll Delete Your Face!" The theme "Queen of the World" plays and out comes The Dirtiest Player in the Game: Hillary Clinton. She is accompanied by Laughing Boy Kaine, Col. Sanders and Dirty Bill.
The crowd is also giving her much heat though some members of the crowd are chanting "Sanders." She laughs maniacally at the audience. Clinton says she has been in the game much longer than Trump. She knows the politics of the ring and she has used every trick to get where she wants. She challenges Trump to step in the ring with her, saying that she deleted everyone who got in her way. She then shows last nights match on the Polititron when she faced off against Col. Sanders. The footage shows the referee doing a slow count on Col. Sanders' pin attempt on Hillary. Hillary low blows Sanders and goes for the dirty pin securing the win. She laughs again, "you don't get where I am without a few tricks."
Trump gets right into her face. He looks ready to throw a punch. Suddenly the theme song "My Life Matters" hits the ring and President 4 Life Obama comes out to address his audience. The crowd is chanting his name fervently. He says, "Let's settle this tonight. Trump and Clinton will be in a ladder match to decide the undisputed champ of the United States Presidency."
The crowd pops!
Trumps music plays first and he exits.
Later that night
Announcer: Oh boy, we've been waiting a long time to see who gets to be the president.
We cut to the ring where we see The Constitution hanging from a hook and two ladders by the ring side.
Clinton's music comes out first and she comes alone. She is dressed in full pant suit.
Next Trump's music plays and he comes out in a shiny full piece suit made of gold.
Dirty Player Clinton Vs. Big Money Trump- Ladder Match 4 Presidency
Trump goes in aggressively. He begins to take Clinton to the corner with a barrage of backhands. Clinton escapes and throws Trump outside of the ring. She throws him into the guard rail. She takes him back into the ring and tries for the vertical suplex. Trump reverses it and Irish whips her into the ropes. He goes for the "Crippled Reporter Slam" but Clinton reverses it into "Pump Scandal Suplex." She gets out the first ladder and starts to climb up. Trump grabs her waist and hits the "Putin Power Bomb." He begins to make his way up the ladder. Suddenly the referee pushes over the ladder with Trump on it. Clinton hands the ref a wad of twenties. Clinton goes back on the ladder and starts to ascend to greatness. Trump gets angry and starts to pummel the ref senselessly until the ref is bleeding. Trump runs over to the ladder and starts to climb up. Clinton has one hand on The Constitution. Trump has his hand on it. They both pull on it and...it rips in half. Right now the crowd is booing incessantly.
Suddenly Gary "The Gun" Johnson slides into the ring. He picks up both pieces of the constitution and tries to put them back together. Clinton and Trump will have none of that. Clinton hits "The Deleter" on him and Trump hits "The Nasty Woman." Gary is laid out. He didn't even get in any offense.
Trump goes to grab the remaining pieces of the constitution. Suddenly President 4 Life Obama's music plays. President Obama is holding the title over his shoulder. He slides into the ring. He grabs Trump and hits "The Full Pardon Pedigree." Trump drops The remaining wrinkled bits of the Constitution and Hillary grabs them. Obama raises her hand and she celebrates the upset victory.
The crowd is chanting "bull ****" as her music plays.
Announcer: I had a feeling they would have been chanting it even if Trump had won.
The lights fade out.
An eagle can be heard weeping.
